Resident Evil: Comedy
by residentevilno.1
Summary: First of all, im so sorry for the DREADFUL title, i just couldnt think of a good title for this fanfic. this is my first ever "funny" story so probably wont be funny but give it a chance! plz tell me wat u think, i can accept if u think its not funny cuz im not expecting it to make u ache from laughter!


**Chapter 1- Raccoon City Reunion**

Sherry landed safely in a crouching position whilst Jake had to land after doing several back flips, handsprings and cartwheels. They looked around for a bit until Sherry spotted somebody she was sure she knew or had heard of. She ran from behind the large crate but slipped onto her front because of a small puddle she failed to avoid. Jake rushed over and helped her to her feet. "You alright?" he asked, holding in his laughter. Sherry nodded, "Yeah, I hurt my breast though." She informed her companion. "Let's try that again."

She ran from behind the crate this time not slipping over. "Is that… STEVE?" she exclaimed. The blonde and brunette (Leon and Helena) quickly spun around. "No, I'm Leon! Who's Steve?" the male blonde narrowed his eyes as he questioned the female blonde. Sherry blushed before running back to Jake. "Take three!" she rolled her eyes. Once again, she ran from behind the crate this time Jake followed. "Is that… LEON?!" she cried.  
"Sherry?" Leon queried.  
"Jake?" Helena inquired. The other three looked extremely confused.  
"How do you know my name? Have you been stalking me?!" Jake asked. Helena quickly shook her head and kicked at the ground. "No I most certainly have not been stalking you, Mr Jake Milo Alexander Muller who is 27 years old and lives at 68 Leading Road, Chicago Illinois and has done for 7 years." Helena denied. Jake narrowed his eyes and thought then suddenly lifted his finger. "Oh my god, HELENA!" he yelled. Sherry and Leon exchanged more confused looks. "You two know each other?" Leon enquired. Helena nodded with a huge grin on her face.

"Yep, we met in a strip club!" Jake announced. Leon's jaw dropped.

"Helena, you worked in a strip club!" he asked his partner. Helena gulped she was about to talk when Jake interrupted. "No, we were both watching the same pole dancer. I threw $10 onto the stage but Helena threw $10.01 just to annoy me then we got into an argument!" Helena looked very embarrassed.

"Anyway moving on…" Sherry mumbled. Leon nodded in agreement before breaking the awkward, eerie silence. "So Sherry, what are you doing here?"  
"Well, Melissa and Izzy told me there was this sic new mall here and I really need some new clothes. Look at my scarf, it looked great like half an hour ago but now it's all ripped, burnt and covered in my snot!" Sherry explained revealing her revolting scarf. She received a nudge from her partner. "I mean, I'm on protective detail!" she quickly corrected herself.

"Where is he?" Leon sternly asked. Helena pulled him back as he took a few steps towards Sherry. "Leon we haven't got to that bit yet." She chuckled. Leon swiftly sprinted away from the group but returned a few moments later with a script in his hand. "What scene is this?" he asked Helena as he flicked through the pages. "Sorry guys, I forgot my line!" Suddenly, his script flew out of his hand and the wind blew it away. Leon childishly chased the paper but soon came back with a pout on his face. "Leon, don't worry, it's not your line it's Sherry's!" Jake reassured. Leon soon brightened up.

"Why are you here?" Sherry asked Leon.

"We're tracking the man behind all this, Chief Security Advisor Wesker… Simmons! Not Wesker, I meant Simmons!" Leon mentally kicked himself.

"What, there must be some sort of mistake, I report to Simmons!" Sherry suddenly panicked. "He's your supervisor?" Leon's expression turned nasty.

"We're on our way to meet with him right now!" Sherry told Leon. Leon didn't say anything so Helena nudged him. "Now say it!" she whispered.  
"We're tracking the man behind all this, Chief Secur-" Helena interrupted Leon  
"Not that, say 'where is he'?" she chucked.

"Where is he?" Leon took a few steps towards Sherry nearly tripping on his shoelace. Sherry took a step back, now scared of Leon. Leon cocked his head; he reached a hand out to Sherry. "Sherry I-" suddenly he was pushed back by an angry Jake. Leon stumbled back into Helena's arms. "Jeez, and you call me overprotective!" Leon frowned. Helena shook her head, "No I don't!" Helena rolled her eyes. Leon smiled.  
"Yes you do, I'm not as stupid as you think." Helena turned to Leon. He was drooling whilst sucking on a piece of long grass. His eyes were crossed and snot was dripping down from his nose. His large boots were on the wrong feet and both laces were undone. "Sure you're not!" Helena giggled. Suddenly, a large music note began floating towards Sherry's head. "Look out!" Helena warned. Sherry turned around in slow motion to see Justin Bieber and One Direction both singing with music notes flying out of their mouths. "NO!" Jake shrieked.

He slow motioned dived into Sherry in an attempt to knock her down but just missed hitting the huge red crate behind her. The music note flew up Sherry's nose and then she turned. First she fell to her knees, holding her ears and shrieking. "It can't be!" Leon said. Then Sherry's eyes rolled back and all you could see was white. "She's been infected with the…" Helena gasped. Sherry slowly stood up as if possessed.  
"THE BAD SONG VIRUS!" Leon, Helena and Jake all roared in unison.  
"That's worse than C, T, G and D virus all put together." Leon yelled. Helena stared at him.  
"There was a D vi-" she was cut off by a probably the worst sound in the world. Sherry began singing Boyfriend by Justin Bieber. Helena pulled an iPhone out of her pocket. "What are you gonna do?" Leon asked. Helena narrowed her eyes and tried to look as serious as possible. She also pulled out a flashlight and shined it onto her face to make her look scarier. "I'm gonna play Sherry _good_ music!" she said. Switching the flashlight off, she noticed she had 7 messages on messageme all from Deborah. She quickly read them.  
1) _Helena can you cum n help meh! Xx  
2) Helena wen r u cumming! Xx  
3) Helena I need mah bikini cuz Simmons says he's gna take meh to da beach! Xx  
4) OMG he didn't tke meh 2 da beach, he took meh undagrond! Xx  
5) Getting real bored down here don't hesit8 2 bring ma phone! Xx  
6) Oh tke ur time im fine down here just dying of cold bordom and dis weird liquid simmons put in ma bady  
7) Aunt Brenda was in bed wiv simmons 2day, she told me ask ya if u can bring milk and oreos wen u cum down! Also, find me fast cuz I just feel like im gna burst into flames any minute now then get shot in the face by an arrow then become some with creature! Touch wood, oh crud, there isn't any wood around here! Well, fingers crossed, oh no, they've been cut off, pray to god, oh no, im an atheist, crud crud crud crud crud! Xx  
_  
Suddenly, Dizzie Rascal- Bassline Junkie began playing. The three of them began dancing. "BIG DIRTY STINKIN BASS!" Helena screamed. Before long Sherry was back to her normal state!

"Oh my God, look out again!" Sherry turned around in slow motion again this time, Ustanak stood on the plane with something large in his hand. He lobbed it towards Sherry, this time Jake was too busy still dancing to Bassline Junkie to notice. The object hit Sherry and exploded; she flew through the air and landed on a zombie. It dissolved away revealing shotgun shells. "What the… This zombie didn't even have a shotgun, why does it have shells! This doesn't work; I'm complaining to Capcom about this, it isn't right." Sherry yelled. She walked back to Leon, Helena and Jake clutching her breast. "I hurt my boob again but get this, a zombie had shotgun shells but no gun, it didn't even need the shells yet he still had them and he wasn't in the army because he was wearing civilian clothes. He had no reason to have a shotgun or the shells!" she explained, very fuming.


End file.
